People often romanticize boarding school: the friendships, the tradition, the “character building.”
But for many of us, especially those sent too young, it was abandonment disguised as opportunity.

I was sent to boarding school when I was 9 and I stayed in that system until I was 18. I never lived at home again after that. My parents told me I was “lucky” to go. That it would make me strong, teach me discipline, and open doors. But what it actually taught me was how to detach — from feeling, from needing, from hoping. We were told not to cry, not to express emotion… and I didn’t — not for years.

At school, I became the version everyone approved of – top marks, polite, agreeable. Inside, I was numb. I trained myself not to miss home, not to need my parents, not to trust adults.

Throughout my teens I developed severe anxiety and depression and used coping strategies to feel in control – restriction of food, overworking, compulsive checking, and perfectionism.

When I came back during holidays, I would dread the time I would have to go back to school and I would question why I didn’t have the courage to speak out. I had become compliant and full of guilt and shame for feeling ungrateful.

At 18, I left school and went to university. It was at this time I met my husband and after uni we set up home together. From the outside, I built a good life. A degree, a husband, children and a decent job. I was independent, resourceful, and highly organized. But inside, something was always missing — a kind of emotional emptiness I couldn’t explain. I struggled with understanding myself, as well as understanding my parents’ choices.

Healing from the Trauma

It wasn’t until my mid-forties that I finally sought therapy and reached out to Stella. I was feeling very low and burnt out and my old coping strategies had resurfaced. I had read about Boarding School Syndrome and I knew I had to look deeper into the impact this may have had on me.

Stella knew all about boarding school trauma and with her help, kindness and patience I connected the dots. It suddenly felt like finding the missing key to a locked door I’d carried for decades.

Counselling with Stella was life-changing. She held the space for me to speak out for the first time in years and she gave me permission to grieve the girl I left behind at 9. She made me realise that my coping mechanisms weren’t flaws — they were survival skills. She also made me see that I didn’t need to “get over” boarding school. I needed to process it — to give voice to the silence, to feel the grief I’d deferred for decades.

I also came to understand that my parents were products of a system too — they thought they were doing what was best and had no idea of the struggles I endured. It provided the opportunity for conversations and acceptance – lots of tears were shed!

I’m still healing. I don’t think that ends. But I am more whole now. I allow myself to need people. I let myself feel — not just sadness, but also joy, connection, softness. Most importantly, I no longer see the girl I was as weak. I see her as incredibly brave.

To anyone who is struggling as a result of boarding school, especially those who still feel like outsiders in their own emotions — please reach out to Stella. What you felt was real, and with the right support, healing is possible — no matter how many years have passed.